Quotes from George Carlin

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.

I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.

Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards

There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.