Quotes from George Carlin

I don't really identify with America. I don't really feel like an American or part of the American experience, and I don't really feel like a member of the human race, to tell you the truth. I know I am, but I really don't. All the definitions are there, but I don't really feel a part of it. I think I have found a detached point of view, an ideal emotional detachment from the American experience and culture…

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

It's all bullshit, folks.

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.

One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

My mother and I had a lot of distance between us emotionally, although, on the surface, most of the time, we appeared good and friendly, and all that. But I was a problem. I was a street kid.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

Life is not that complicated.

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.