Quotes from George Carlin

The West Coast experience is soft and peripheral, New York is hard and concentrated. California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!

Why don't the men have "Take Our Sons to the Cat-House Night"?

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

Weather forcast for tonight: dark.

Rights aren't really rights if someone can take them away.

One time he was so hungover he had to consult a cottage cheese carton to determine the approximate date.

Ziemia przetrwaÅ'a gorsze rzeczy ni? my. TrzÄ™sienia ziemi, wybuchy wulkanów, ruchy tektoniczne, dryf kontynentalny, rozbÅ'yski sÅ'oneczne, plamy na sÅ'oÅ"cu, burze magnetyczne, zmiany biegunów magnetycznych, setki tysiÄ™cy lat bombardowania przez asteroidy, meteory i komety, globalne powodzie i po?ary, promieniowanie kosmiczne, epoki lodowcowe... i niby jakieÅ› papierowe torby i aluminiowe puszki majÄ… jej zrobi? ró?nicÄ™?

America has no now. We're reluctant to acknowledge the present. It's too embarrassing. Instead, we reach into the past. Our culture is composed of sequels, reruns, remakes, revivals, reissues, re-releases, recreations, reenactments, adaptations, anniversaries, memorabilia, oldies radio, and nostalgia record collections. World War II has been refought so many times, the Germans and Japanese are now drawing residuals.

I dislike and despise groups of people, but I love individuals. Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking...

My motto: Fuck Hope!

I recently heard the following sentence on CNN: 'Because of high winds, about two hundred and fifty thousand people in New England are without power.' And I thought 'gee, when you think about it, about two hundred and seventy five million people in the United States are without power. They just aren't aware of it.

Life is a zero sum game.

It's called the 'American dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much. We have multiplied out possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

We're all f***ed, it helps to remember that.

I had a left-wing, humanitarian, secular humanist, liberal inclination on the one hand, which implied positions on myriad issues. On the other I had prejudices and angers and hatreds toward various classes of people. None of which included skin colour or ethnicity or religion. Well—religion, yes. I used to get angry at blue-collar right-wingers, but that passed, because I saw that in the end, they were just a different sort of victim.

I don't want something that's good for headaches. I want something that's bad for headaches. And good for me.

In Baltimore it's 6:42!

All destinations are final. That's what it means! Destiny...FINAL! If you haven't gotten to where you're going...YOU AREN'T THERE YET!

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Today, I want to tell you about little Danny Pendejo.

Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class - the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up.

Scratch a cynic and you'll find a disillusioned idealist. And the fire never goes out completely

My interest in "issues" is merely to point out how badly we're doing, not to suggest a way we might do better. Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in low they "ought to be.