Quotes from George Carlin

The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife--because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.

All music is the blues. All of it.

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

Every sixty seconds, thirty acres of rain forest are destroyed in order to raise beef for fast-food restaurants that sell it to people, giving them strokes and heart attacks, which raise medical costs and insurance rates, providing insurance companies with more money to invest in large corporations that branch out further into the Third World so they can destroy more rain forests.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

Whatever happened to "In victory, magnanimity; in defeat, defiance." So said Frederick the Great.

And if they tell you you're not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.

Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them.

We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little Styrofoam. Maybe. A little Styrofoam. The planet'll be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.

Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Everyone appreciates your honesty, until you're honest with them. Then you're an asshole

Politics is so corrupt even the dishonest people get fucked. W

Most people have very little control over what sort of day they're going to have. For instance, when one person says, "Have a nice day," the other may well be thinking, "I've just been diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, and I'm also coughing up thick black stuff." In this case the well-wisher's words will fall on deaf ears.

I am sick of hearing about innocent victims, there are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty. Period, f... you, end of report, next case, next f...ing case.

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.

I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.

The term faith-based is nothing more than an attempt to slip religion past you when you're not thinking; which is the way religion is always slipped past you. It deprives you of choice; choice being another word the political-speech manipulators find extremely useful.

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

I get tired of people talking about ''bad words'' and ''bad language''. Bullshit! It's the context that makes them good or bad.

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

These are the kinds of thoughts that made it necessary to separate me from the other kids at school.

California: bordering always on the Pacific and sometimes on the ridiculous. So, why do I live here? Because the sun goes down a block from my house.