Quotes from George Carlin

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.

Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.

Did you ever eat a whole box of cookies right in a row? Did you ever do that? I don't mean take them into your bedroom or something. I mean open them right up in the kitchen as soon as you get home from the store and eat 'em while you're standing there? Just stare at the toaster while you're eatin' a whole goddamn box of cookies?

Life is a series of dogs.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

Fuck rational thought

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that. Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.

My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.

The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy.

Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything.

If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

Why do so many people need help?! Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, eat three meals, you take one good shit and you go back to bed. What's the fucking mystery?!

You know what these "God Bless America" people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they're so crazy about. They're always talking about "What would Jesus do?" They don't wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it'll be today again

I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is.