Quotes from George Carlin

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help.

If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital M tattooed on each cheek of your ass in pink and brown ink. Then when you bend over, it says Mom. Also, later on if you're havin' sex with your girlfriend, and her parents are in the next room, when you finish up you can just lie on your back, draw your legs up to your chest and silently say, 'Wow!

People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.

Nothing worse... nothing worse that to be stuck somewhere with some married a-hole and have to listen to him tell you about his f***in' kids... Let me tell ya something, folks... nobody cares about your children, okay? Nobody cares about your children. I speak for everyone. I've been appointed by the rest of the group to inform you we don't care about your children – that's why they're your children, so you can care about them and we don't have to bother.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It's nature's supreme joke. Deep in the womb, men start out as the good thing, and wind up as the crappy thing. Not all men. Just enough. Just enough to fuck things up.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Sports fans eat shit.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

I love people as I meet them one by one. People are just wonderful as individuals. You see the whole universe in their eyes if you look carefully. But as soon as they begin to group, as soon as they begin to clot, when there are five of them or ten or even groups of smallest two, they begin to change, they sacrifice the beauty of the individual for the sake of the group.