Quotes from George Carlin

Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.

We're all fucked. It helps to remember this.

The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health. Still, I love traveling down there, especially when I'm in the mood for a quick trip to the thirteenth century. I'm not someone who buys into all that 'New South' shit you hear; I judge a place by the number of lynchings they've had, overall.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Twat is twat and that is that.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.