Quotes from George Carlin

War will end when people stop showing up for it.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just begun our gradual descent into the Indianapolis area, a descent similar in many ways to the gradual slide of the United States from a first-class world leader to an aggressive, third-rate debtor nation of overweight slobs, undereducated slob children and aimless elderly people who can't afford to buy medicine.

I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn't abandon the religious theme completely. How about "Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree's on Fire"? Or "Jesus, can you Believe It's Christmas Again?" This ought to get the ball rolling; I'm hoping you people will take it from here.

Most of these quotations on Goodreads are shit I never said. That's because idiots submit them, and Goodreads never checks their authenticity.

I don't own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.

I find it discouraging—and a bit depressing—when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky. Especially as the latter belief applies to the whole Jesus-Messiah-Son-of-God fable.

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

Whenever I hear about parents who have nine or ten children, the only thing I wonder is how they survive the birthday parties.

There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency.

Personally I would never want to be a member of any group where you either have to wear a hat, or you can't wear a hat.

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off.

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed—and, by the way, unexplained—sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.

In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.

If free trade can really turn all these Third World countries into thriving economies full of entrepreneurs and investors, who's gonna clean the fuckin' toilets around here?

We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Maybe a little Styrofoam … The planet'll be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.

Do you know why it is that when a rancher fucks a sheep he does it at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.

There's no harm in reviewing the past from time to time; knowing where you've been is part of knowing where you are, and all that happy horse shit. But the American media have an absolute fixation on this. They rob us of the present by insisting on the past. If they were able, I'm sure they would pay equal attention to the future. Trouble is, they don't have any film on it.

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

The only difference between lilies and turds is whatever difference humans have agreed upon; and I don't always agree.

They give you a colouring book and some crayons, and tell you, be creative...but don't go outside the lines.