Quotes from George Carlin

Always do whatever's next.

Think off-center.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.

On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.

I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.