Quotes from George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.

Life is a series of dogs.

Is there another word for synonym?

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.

Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.

The status quo sucks.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see... 'We are the Proud Parents of a Child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to bend him to the will of his corporate masters'.

First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood - the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.