Quotes from George Carlin

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.