Quotes from George Carlin

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.

To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.