Quotes from George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

"No comment" is a comment.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

What year did Jesus think it was?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

It's never just a game when you're winning.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Meow" means "woof" in cat.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

Life is tough, then you die.

So far, this is the oldest I've been.