Quotes from George Carlin

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Don't just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

Think of how it all started: America was founded by slave owners who informed us, All men are created equal. All men, except Indians, niggers, and women. Remember, the founders were a small group of unelected, white, male, land-holding slave owners who also, by the way, suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. To my mind, that is what's known as being stunningly--and embarrassingly--full of shit.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next horrifying event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound heals it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, Let the scarring begin.

It's never just a game when you're winning.