Quotes from Emo Philips

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.