Quotes from Robert Benchley

There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled.

One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage in arguments with the man behind him. This department of the game has been allowed to run down fearfully.

Anyone will be glad to admit that he knows nothing about beagling, or the Chinese stock market, or ballistics, but there is not a man or woman alive who does not claim to know how to cure hiccoughs.

A man may take care of a furnace for twenty-five years and still forget to duck his head when he starts going down the cellar stairs.

Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men.

The wise man thinks once before he speaks twice.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn't make any sense if quoted as it stands.

At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands.

There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.

I don't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk.

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.

I am more the inspirational type of speller. I work on hunches rather than mere facts, and the result is sometimes open to criticism by purists.

You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health.

Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it.

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them. Robert Benchley (1889-1945)