Quotes from Robert Benchley

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who do not.

Go jogging? And get hit by a meteor?

loud bang (Ba2Ng2

There is probably no more obnoxious class of citizen, taken end for end, than the returning vacationist.

England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball

There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.

For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

Why don't you slip out of those wet clothes and into a dry Martini?

There are several ways in which to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not.

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings.

In America there are two classes of travel—first-class, and with children.

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures.

England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example.

One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage in arguments with the man behind him. This department of the game has been allowed to run down fearfully.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.