Quotes from Robert Benchley

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.

I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.

Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one

Streets flooded. Please advise.

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out.

The problem of what to wear while lolling about the house on a Sunday afternoon is becoming more and more acute as the fashions in lolling garments change. The American home is in danger of taking on the appearance of an Oriental bordello.

One, two, three / Buckle my shoe.

One of the easiest forms of pretense to break down is the pretense of enthusiasm for exotic foods. Just bring on the exotic foods.

without knowing what is funny, one is constantly in danger of being funny without knowing it.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Go jogging? And get hit by a meteor?

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria.

There is no doubt that every healthy, normal boy...should own a dog at some time in his life, preferably between the ages of forty-five and fifty.

For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get out a new book by him each year.

It is one of the most discouraging experiences I have ever had, not forgetting the time when I winked at the Queen Mother in London once.

Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

Streets flooded. Please advise.