Quotes from Robert Benchley

I haven't been abroad in so long that I almost speak English without an accent now.

Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off.

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

Birds which are the same color as the foliage in which they nest are less likely to be disturbed by other birds who want to drop in and chat, and therefore last longer.

Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.

Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

The psychological principle is this: anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous.

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

It was one of those plays in which all of the actors unfortunately enunciated very clearly.

Work is a form of nervousness.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents is to stay in bed all day. Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out.

The only cure for a real hangover is death.