Quotes from Robert Benchley

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

In America there are two classes of travel - first class and with children.

Death ends a life, not a relationship.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

The child had his mother's eyes, his mother's nose, and his mother's mouth. Which leaves his mother with a pretty blank expression.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.

One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

A man of forty today has nothing to worry him but falling hair, inability to button the top button, failing vision, shortness of breath, a tendency of the collar to shut off all breathing, trembling of the kidneys to whatever tune the orchestra is playing, and a general sense of giddiness when the matter of rent is brought up. Forty is Life's Golden Age.

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.