Quotes from Robert Benchley

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about

Streets full of water; please advise.

Tell us your phobias, and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got.

The free-lance writer is one who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

People who begin sentences with "I may be old-fashioned but—" are usually not only old-fashioned but wrong.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.