Quotes from W. C. Fields

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.