Quotes from W. C. Fields

I can do anything I want to do!

I never met a kid I liked.

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame almost always is placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whisky.

I exercise self-control and never touch any beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

No man is boss in his own home but he can make up for it by making a dog play dead.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

I never drank anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I may be a liar, but at least I'm a gentleman.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Ain't fit for man nor beast

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!