Quotes from W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.

Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy, I've done it a thousand times.

Don't worry about your heart. It will last as long as you live.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

I like children - fried.

I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.