Quotes from W. C. Fields

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things may be worse. But there is nothing exactly like it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It was a woman who drove me to drink - and you know I never even thanked her.

Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at but I wouldn't like to own one.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Never work with animals or children.

The best thing to break is a contract.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink; that is the one thing I am indebted to her for.

A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.