Quotes from W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

Children should neither be seen nor heard from – ever again.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Once the city gets into a ba-hoys sa-hystem, he loses the ha-hankerin' for the ca-hountry.

If Falstaff had stuck to martinis, he'd be with us today.

Nunca bebo agua, me preocupa que pueda convertirse en un hábito.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

I drink therefore I am.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason