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Quotes from W. C. Fields

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
~ W. C. Fields
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
~ W. C. Fields
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
~ W. C. Fields
A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
~ W. C. Fields
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
~ W. C. Fields
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
~ W. C. Fields
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
~ W. C. Fields
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
~ W. C. Fields
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
~ W. C. Fields
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
~ W. C. Fields
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
~ W. C. Fields
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
~ W. C. Fields
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
~ W. C. Fields
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
~ W. C. Fields
It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
~ W. C. Fields
I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
~ W. C. Fields
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
~ W. C. Fields
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
~ W. C. Fields
You can't cheat an honest man.
~ W. C. Fields
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
~ W. C. Fields
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
~ W. C. Fields
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
~ W. C. Fields
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
~ W. C. Fields
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
~ W. C. Fields