Quotes from David Letterman

If what you've done is stupid, but it works..then it really isn't all that stupid.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?

Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

Just make sure if you fail, you did what you wanted to do.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.

There is no off position on the genius

Enjoy every sandwich.

A high-level government agent was arrested today for selling secrets to Russia. They now have all of the exact locations of our back-to-school headquarters.

But unlike Sir Sith's other childhood dreams--dating Dame May Whitty, driving two race cars at once, being voted King of the Gypsies--this one has come true.

What the hell's the date, Paul?

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

He has been greatly missed since his retirement ... Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.

It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.