Quotes from David Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag

Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.

I think O.J. protests too much. Not only did he say he didn't carve the holiday turkey, but he was in the back yard practicing his golf swing the whole time.

President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.

Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that's missing an hour.

How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.

The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?

Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, 'I didn't expect this,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.

The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.