Quotes from David Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

Do good things for other people.

My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.

Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.

Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'

Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern.

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

Ladies and gentlemen after what I've been through I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.

Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

There is no off position on the genius switch.