Quotes from David Letterman

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

This guy put the suck in success.

Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'

She represents the country Alamonia.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.

Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.

Bring Your Child to Work Day -- that's how we got George W. Bush.

Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.

Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.

Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they're never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.

Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.

The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.

Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.

Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.