Quotes from David Letterman

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.

Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, 'The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'

Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.

Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'

Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.

The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.

Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.