Quotes from David Letterman

So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.

It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.

When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go.

Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

Life experience is the best teacher.

Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.