Quotes from Stephen Colbert

I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.

When I got to 'The Daily Show,' they asked me to have a political opinion. It turned out that I had one, but I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.

You can't really be passionately moderate. It's like wearing an 'Extra Medium' - it doesn't exist.

I have a morality. I don't know if it's the best morality. And I do like thinking. If people perceive that as a moral intellectualism, that's fine. That's up to them to decide.

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.

Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.

I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren't. A messy house sends a coded message to children: "I'm not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.

What I rediscovered was the therapeutic nature of singing lessons. They're like doing yoga but for [the] inside of your body. You open up and use muscles that you don't think of as malleable.

Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where he fits in the natural cycle

Maybe he'll be different from who he was and always is.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.