Quotes from Stephen Colbert

Look, I've got nothing against brains. Some of my best friends have them.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor.

Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don't just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That's desertion.

A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren't. A messy house sends a coded message to children: "I'm not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.

That's what's great about America: that our freedom of religion allows me to interpret the Bible exactly how it fits my worldview already.

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.

The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.

That's why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can't channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

If there's a better book than this, I haven't written it.

Why even dictate? Well, like a lot of other dictators, there's one man's opinion I value above all others. Mine.

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.

had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart...

Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.

Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

I'd like to leave you with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a documentary I saw this weekend: Mad Max: Fury Road. All you young people really need to succeed in the future is a reliable source of fuel and a fanatical cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers.

You can't spell parentry without try. Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you . At least you know how those turn out.

Unfortunately, most of today's women resemble bowerbirds that force suitors to build elaborate nests of twigs, leaves, and discarded garbage before choosing a mate. Any male who doesn't meet her standards doesn't get to mate that year; one assumes he just stays in his bower, reads bower manuals, and watches bowerbird porn.

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

America is exceptional. Does that statement shock you? It shocks me to have to say it! To be forced by your doubt to say out loud that America is exceptional implies something ugly. It's like telling the host of a dinner party 'I'm certain your wife is a female.' Saying it out loud just feels wrong. No matter how big her hands are.