Quotes from Stephen Colbert

It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That's why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof? "Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." I'd say that about covers it.

If you're saying farewell to your arms, what do you use to wave goodbye?

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.

Don't let your girlfriend cut your hair!

As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.

Grief will always accept the invitation to appear. It's got plenty of time for you.

Bam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it, I just say it.

The [Motion Picture Production Code] took effect on March 31, 1930, 5 months too late to prevent the Wall Street Crash, but early enough to keep The Sixties from happening until approximately 1964. (When America fell victim to the British Invasion).

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat.

So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop "liberating" moms by trying to make them join the workforce. They're already doing the job that God put them here to do: Everything.

But children are our future!' Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don't understand why we're helping them. You don't see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots.

At every moment, we are volunteers.

Live live to the fullest! Or else...you won't.

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic. So go crazy with the rules?the time your child spends trying to figure them out is time he won't be stapling firecrackers to the neighbor's dog.

Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.

Maybe he'll be different from who he was and always is.

Physics. Some say this science is fundamental; I say it's a bunch of unnecessary regulations. Physics is the ultimate Big Government interference—universal laws meant to constrain us at every turn.

You only live through your kids once.

Olympics are a warped, watered-down version of the only worthy contest between nations: war

Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the President's side, and the Vice President's side.

The next sentence is false. The previous sentence is true. I'll wait while your heads explode.

In my experience, you will truly serve only what you love because service is love made visible. If you love your friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money and, if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself and you will have only yourself. So no winning. Instead, try to love others and serve others and hopefully find others that love and serve you in return.