Quotes from Stephen Colbert

I look, absolutely, like I'm going to sell you insurance.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.

I deliver my Truth hot and hard.

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone.

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.

I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.

I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say 'no.' But saying 'yes' begins things. Saying 'yes' is how things grow.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

A study found exercise may be bad for your health. Which means I'm not fat, I'm just morbidly over-healthed.

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.

Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.

If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? BAM. Busted!