Quotes from Stephen Colbert

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

No, my mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Equations are the devil's sentences.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.