Quotes from Stephen Colbert

Words cannot describe all the things I have left to write

I think it. I say it. You hear it. Sometimes, I don't even think it, I just say it.

How did our politics get so poisonous? … You take a little bit of [the poison] so you can hate the other, and it tastes kinda good, and you like how it feels and there's a gentle high to the condemnation. And you know you're right? Right? You know you're right.

The message of Christ isn't that you can't kill me. The message of Christ is you can kill me and that's not death.

What punishments of God are not gifts

Ohio has produced 23 astronauts. Tell me, what is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can worry about.

Late-night shows are 'Chopped.' Who are your guests tonight? Your guests tonight are veal tongue, coffee grounds and gummy bears. There, make a show ... Make an appetizer that appeals to millions of people. That's what I like. How could you possibly do it? Oh, you bring in your own flavors. Your own house band is another flavor.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.

And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.

I started as a straight actor. I'd go onstage, and I'd think, 'Wow, this is the only thing I want to work really hard at. I will rehearse fifty times on a single scene; I don't care - I'll do it again.'

My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror.

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.

I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.