Quotes from Stephen Colbert

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding?

Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.

I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.

I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.

America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.

Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

The lead singer of Creed says he won't endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know theyre being funny.