Quotes from Stephen Colbert

You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?

Baby carrots are making me gay.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

I'm the frosting on America's cake, and tonight I'm willing to let you lick the bowl.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.

The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.

We are thrilled that Jon Batiste is joining 'The Late Show' family of products. For my money, nobody plays like Jon Batiste. And you can trust me, because it is my money.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics - not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course there isn't.

Use the word 'zeitgeist' as often as possible. Ideally, you want to find words that sound familiar but people don't really know their definitions: 'zeitgeist,' 'bildungsroman,' 'doppelganger' - better yet, anything Latin. But avoid 'paradigm.' It's so 1994. If you say the word 'paradigm,' everybody knows you're a poser.

I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. I'd listen to 'Bill Cosby Is A Very Funny Fellow... Right!' and 'Wonderfulness,' which are two of his most famous albums. Then the next night, I'd flip them over, 'cause it was the old stackable turntable.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.

No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.

Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.

I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.

I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.

I believe gender is a spectrum, and I fall somewhere between Channing Tatum and Winnie the Pooh.