Quotes from Stephen Colbert

I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say one thing and behave a different way.

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.

I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.

The only thing that I don't like is my kids watching comedy that isn't actually funny. There's a lot of supposed tween comedy on TV that isn't particularly funny, but it's got a lot of laugh track. And I go, 'Please don't watch that. Please just watch something that's actually funny.'

I have tender feelings for Nixon because everybody has warm feelings about their childhood. Actually, I didn't like the Watergate trials 'cause they interrupted 'The Munsters.'

My favorite off-camera memory of Jon Stewart is watching him jump from the second level of a tuna tower into the waters off Grand Cayman.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

I'm not just a pundit - I'm a comedian.

You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians.

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'

That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother's parenting style was, 'There's the TV. Go watch it. Mommy's got 10 other people to take care of.'

Any religion whose messiah's name isn't recognized by Microsoft Word can't be that much of a threat.

I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.

The first time I met Jon Stewart was at the press conference that Comedy Central held to announce Jon would be the new host of 'The Daily Show,' which back then was not called 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.'