Quotes from Stephen Colbert

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell Book without Boo!

I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!

Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.

Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!

why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.