Quotes from Stephen Colbert

If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?

Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They're qualified to.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.

I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.

My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

Reality has a well-known liberal bias.

If you don't give power to the words that people throw at you to hurt you, they don't hurt you anymore. And you actually have power over those people.

Simply being a guest on David Letterman's show has been a highlight of my career. I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave's lead. I'm thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth.

Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.

Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.

If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.

I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.