Quotes from Milton Berle

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"