Quotes from Christopher Moore

Fate does not favor the dim.

Hope is merely another face of desire.

If you like what you're reading, I probably wrote it.

A wall is a defense of a country that values inaction. But a wall imprisons the people of a country as much as it protects them. That's why Balthasar had us go this way. He wanted me to see the error in the Tao. One can't be free without action.

Which isn't, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass.

If you come to a river and find a boat at the edge, you will use that boat and it will serve you well, but once across the river, do you put the boat on your shoulders and carry it with you on the rest of your journey?

This is the man who called the fire department when the toilet backed up, and I'm asking him for help. What was I thinking? Why am I attracted to weak men?

Angels are just pretty insects.

Mr. Asher, you can resist who you are for only so long. Finally, you just decide to go with fate.

Ack! Parables. I hate parables.

Oh, do fuck off. You Muslims and your aversion to drink. Fucking slaughter the greater part of the Western fucking world in Allah's name, but someone wants to toast to your health and suddenly it's all piety, prayer, throw out the pork, and let's put draperies around the women.

FYI, when I type WTF, you are supposed to read What the Fuck? Same with OMG, and OMFG, which are Oh My God and Oh My Fucking God. Only a completely lame Disney Channel nimnode pronounces the letters.

For it is written that if the wise man appears always stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise.

So know this, little one. Whether you are the Messiah, or you become a rabbi, or even if you are nothing more than a farmer, here is the sum of all I can teach you, and all that I know: treat others as you would like to be treated. Can you remember that?

Success in America doesn't require any special talent or any kind of extra effort. You just have to be consistent and not fuck up. That's how most people fail. They can't stand the pressure of getting what they want, so when they see that they are getting close they engineer some sort of fuckup to undermine their success.

Soon a whole guild of low-priced shrine keepers around Europe named their own pope - Boldface the Relatively Shameless, Discount Pope of Prague. The price war was on [...] The Retail Pope would offer cheesy bacon toppings on the Host with communion and the Discount Pope would counter with topless nun night for midnight mass.

Splendid. I believe we've achieved a whole new level of doomed.

It was the sound of a thousand hungry children crying, ten thousand widows tearing their hair over their husband's graves, a chorus of angels singing the last dirge on the day of God's death.

I'm fucked. We're fucked. Together. Like Romeo and Juliet, only we get to be in a sequel.

He didn't understand religion. It was like heroin or golf: He knew a lot of people did it, but he didn't understand why.

Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?

Your puny worm god weapons are useless against my superior Christmas Kung Fu.

Creep we did, until we were just outside the halo of firelight. Three bent-backed hags were walking a slow circle around a large cauldron, dropping in twisted bits of this and that as they chanted. "Double, double, toil and trouble: Fire burn, and cauldron bubble." "Witches," whispered Kent, paying tribute to the god of all things bloody fucking obvious.

Have you never met anyone who works in a record store? There is no greater repository of unjustified arrogance in the world.