Quotes from Christopher Moore

You don't hurry a thinker, and you don't talk to him when he's thinking. It's just inconsiderate.

On the radio, turned low, Reba sang of hard times with the full authority of a cross-eyed redheaded millionaire.

Normally if I met a guy who was unemployed and illiterate who hadn't bathed in a couple of weeks, I'd be standing in a puddle with excitement, but I'm sort of in a bad mood tonight, so take this bag and give me the fu**ing paper before I pop your head like a zit. He said, you're a lesbian, aren't you?

He preferred to not think of his mother as having hips. He preferred to not think of her as a woman at all, more as a traveling mass of loving annoyance - a mother-shaped storm that inhabited the bakery and, in bringing rain for the growth of the living things over which she hovered, didn't mind scaring the piss out of them with a few thunderbolts from time to time.

That's it, said Cavuto. You're too much of a nerd to be gay. I'm contacting the committee. They'll revoke your rainbow flag and you will not be permitted anywhere near the parade.

It was an eight-harlot inn, if that's how you measure an inn. (I understand that now they measure inns in stars. We are in a four-star inn right now. I don't know what the conversion from harlots to stars is.)

We Ask the Gods for Answers and They Give Us Questions

You first, Tommy said. They stood in the great room of their loft on either side of the futon, where the huge cat, a crossbreed between a Persian, a dust mop, and possibly a water buffalo, was actively shedding.

It was the kind of kiss that he wanted to wake up to and keep refreshing periodically until he got one long last one, salty with tears, in his casket.

Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.

The dull always seek to be clever at the fool's expense, to somehow repay him for his cutting wit, but never are they clever, and often they are cruel.

I'm feeling full of tiny princes, bustling to get out into the world and start plotting against one another.

One day the good times had to keep on rolling, and all of life's horseshit would turn to circuses.

She was meaning and order and light, and now that she's gone, chaos falls like a dark leaden cloud.

You're the one with almost an MBA, Barry, the short balding one, said to Lash. You should know what to do. They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker, Lash countered. That's a whole different program. Political science, I think.

She have to go pick up prescription, so I watch Sophie for short time. And tiny bears are happy when I go in bathroom. Hamsters, Mrs. Korjev, not bears. .... I've got her now, Charlie said. One of you stay with her while I get rid of the H-A-M-S-T-E-R-S. He mean the tiny bears.

Don't bruise the Foo!

They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker. That's a whole different program. Political science, I think.

My skin cleared up! I don't have a single zit. -Tommy Ding, ding, ding, Jody onomatopeed, signaling that Tommy had hit on the correct answer.

Jealousy makes you feel bad, but God is jealous, so it must be good. Yet when a dog licks its balls it seems to enjoy it, but it must be bad under the law.

Foo shuddered. It had been less than an hour since the cops led Abby away and already he missed her like a severed limb. It was embarrassing. How could hormones and hydrostatic pressure make you feel like this? Love was very unscientific.

Tommy, I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone before. If you repeat it, I'll deny I said it. Five years ago I saw a white owl with a seventy-foot wingspan swoop out of the sky and pluck a demon off a hillside and take off into the sky. I heard that cops get the best drugs, Tommy said.

Nothing fucks up a religion like an intervention from a real God.

If you're going to learn, you need to forget what you know.