Quotes from Christopher Moore

Perhaps there is a reason that there is no fool piece on the chessboard. What action, a fool? What strategy, a fool? What use, a fool? Ah, but a fool resides in a deck of cards, a joker, sometimes two. Of no worth, of course. No real purpose. The appearance of a trump, but none of the power: Simply an instrument of chance. Only a dealer may give value to the joker.

I like a girl with a substantial bottom,' said Renoir, drawing in the air the size bottom he preferred.

Life is an irritation.

An embrace from him left scratches on my back that sometimes wept blood, yet my brothers and I fought to be the first in his arms when he returned from work each evening. The same injuries inflicted in anger would have sent us crying to our mother's skirts. I fell asleep each night feeling his hand on my back like a shield. Fathers.

He wanted her to experience all the glorious cheese of life.

Growl, you live in a slime lair and maintain an identity as the mysterious overlord of an undersea city, you command a fleet of meat dreadnaughts with crews of humanoid whale people, and you're currently reclining in a pulsating mass of gelatinous goo that looks like it escaped from hell's own Jell-O mold--so excuse the fuck out of me if I question your motives.

Compassion is the same way,' Joshua said. 'That's what the yeti knew. He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without though or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.

I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together and make me finish in front of everyone.

People thought I was one of those people who beats their kid in department stores." "Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.

Shylock repointed his twitching, accusatory digit at his daughter. "You do not say such things in my house. You—you—you—you—" "Run along, love, it appears that Papa's been stricken with an apoplexy of the second person.

Sometimes, a man must muster all of his courage simply to sit still. How much humanity has been spoiled for the confusion of movement with progress, my friend? How much?

Careful crossing the street, Tommy called back to her as he crossed. [Jody is drunk] Ha! Jody said. I am a finely tuned predator. I am a superbeing. I -- And at that point she bounced her forehead off a light pole with a dull twang and was suddenly lying on her back, looking at the streetlights above her, which kept going out of focus, the bastards.

Henceforth and from now on, I decree that whenever something bad happens to me, there shall be bunnies around. So it shall be written.

I think this is a bodhi tree," I said, "just like Buddha sat under! It's so exciting. I'm feeling sort of enlightened just standing here. Really, I can feel ripe bodhies squishing between my toes." Joshua looked at my feet. "I don't think those are bodhies. There was a cow here before us." I lifted my foot out of the mess. "Cows are overrated in this country. Under the Buddha's tree too. Is nothing sacred?

At the pet store he picked out two painted turtles, each about as big around as a mayonnaise-jar lid. He bought them a large kidney shaped dish that had its own little island, a plastic palm tree, some aquatic plants, and a snail. The snail, presumably, to bolster the self-esteem of the turtles: You think we're slow? Look at that guy. To store up the snail's morale in the same way, there was a rock.

Not yet! said she [Goneril], trying to roll me over and get back to smacking my bum. She honked my codpiece. You honked my codpiece. Aye, give it up, fool. [...]

One time you take a hundred thousand dollars and let a vampire go, the whole world turns on you like you're some kind of bad guy.

Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.

Oh, we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance, leaking life until we collapse, flaccid, into our own despair.

Slowly and gently, Augustus Brine explained to the king of the Djinn about the illusion created by motion pictures. When he finished, he felt like he had just raped the tooth fairy in front of a class of kindergartners.

Holy ripened fuckcheese!

He had risked his freedom and his pride to buy her this, to acknowledge that part of her that everyone else seemed to want to get rid of.

Sorry. Accident. Couldn't be helped.

When he was reading he could fly away into the wildest skies of imagination, untethered to the reality that his soul was trapped in a wretched creature cobbled together from meat and bone, like us all.