Quotes from Christopher Moore

turning your ankle hurts like hell, even if you're a superhero.

The only difference between a pirate and a privateer is a flag

Everyone is happier if they have someone to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both. This is not only the Beta Male strategy for survival, but the basis for capitalism, democracy, and most religions.

Do not bonk the Juliette

People are douche bags. Many people. Not all. But you know, most. Which is why we destroyed the world.

Funny how the illusion of safety can make us careless.

Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps.

I am not inclined to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment

Conservation] Barring that, just yell at people randomly to stop killing whales. It could catch on. Really. (Would you like fries with that? Shut up and stop killing whales! Thank you. Drive through, please.)

LOST 2 Irish Hellhounds. Very black, like bear. Huge, like bear. Answer to Alvin and Mohammed. Like to eat everything. Like bear! REWARD!

Sweet Pocket, you mustn't ask about my life before I came here. What I am now, I have always been, and everything I am is here with you." "Sweet Thalia," said I. "That is a fiery flagon of dragon toss.

You can only eat so much white cake.

A wall is the defense of a country that values inaction. But a wall imprisons the people of a country as much as it protects them.

Green eggs, or not green eggs? That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to eat them in a box, with a fox—

bet he was myrrh," said Josh. "Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me. My mother told me the myrrh went bad after a week too." Did I mention that Joshua was not a myrrh fan?

Ninety-five percent of all the species that have ever existed are now extinct, so don't look so goddamn smug. —GERARD RYDER

after Sammy struggles to unhook Stilton's bra] She rolled onto her face to give him a good shot at the hook in the back. Free my people! I will. I am the Harriet Tubman of your breasts.

Tucker Case did not play golf. He'd tried it once, and although he'd enjoyed the drinking and driving the little electric car into the lake, he just didn't get the appeal. It seemed—and he'd examined the game closely because his father had loved it—an awful lot like a bunch of rich white guys in goofy clothing walking around on an absurdly large lawn hitting absurdly small white balls with crooked sticks.

We were seekers. You are that which is sought, Joshua. You are the source. The end is divinity, in the beginning is the word. You are the word.

He started skipping, but then caught himself and returned to deliberately pacing out his steps with his sheathed sword. People might ignore a tiny Japanese man in an orange porkpie hat and socks, with a sword, but if you went around expressing unrestrained joy, they would have you in a straightjacket before you could belt out a verse of Zippity Do-Dah.

You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of God. That's your ass, that's what.

Abby Von Normal - And I'm like, Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos.

About to be hanged is my status quo, not a condition that requires your repair.

At "tooth fairy," Sophie popped her head out the door. "I will smack that bitch up and take her bag of quarters! I will not be fucked with!