Quotes from Christopher Moore

My children are monsters, Kiro thought. And I am responsible. Perhaps if I had read them the haikus of Basho when they were little instead of that American manifesto of high-pressure sales, Green Eggs and Ham...

How would I feel, he thought, If I woke up and she was making love to me? Why I believe that I would be pleasantly surprised.

How would I feel if I woke up and she told me that we had done it while I slept? I'd be fine with it. A little sad that I missed things, but I wouldn't be mad. I'd just ask her if I had a good time. Women are different, though.

Joshua, my memory of Maggie isn't about what happened the night before we left. I didn't go to see her thinking that we would make love. A kiss was more than I expected. I think of Maggie because I made a place in my heart for her to live, and it's empty. It always will be. It always was. She loved you.

Action based on hope just felt better than the paralysis of certainty.

He tapped into the Zen of ignorance, the enlightenment of absurdity.

No. Trust me, you have to leave me now so you won't later. I'll see you again.

Sophie marched away in rhythm to her new chant, not in the butt - not in the butt - not in the butt.

You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's syndrome.

So I'm like getting some perspective now - like when you're a kid and you think it sucks that you have to eat hydrogenated peanut butter on your PBJ, and then you see one of those starving commercials kids with flies in their eyes, who don't even have a sandwich - and you're all, 'Well, that sucks.

Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.

What?" he said. "What? What? What?" "Master, you're walking on the water," said Peter. "I just ate," Joshua said. "You can't go into the water for an hour after you eat. You could get a cramp. What, none of you guys have mothers?

To be safe is to be afraid.

I'm painting moments. Unrepeatable, singular moments of light.

It is accepted science that God himself gave the French the gift of their cuisine, and while he was downstairs, cursed the English with theirs.

Abby to Tommy and Jody who are hugging] So I'm like, Cold-faced killers on the clock, bitches, we don't have time for your bonery right now. --The Chronicles of Abby Normal

Methinks the lady doth protest too much, said Iago. Methinks the lady protests just the right amount, said Emilia. Methinks the lady is just getting fucking started protesting.

But I have known many women--many women indeed, and it is in their nature to confound us, Othello. They are all by their natures lovely lunatics.

People are horrible and they lie.

Okey dokey, fire up the blender, let's make a furry-flurry smoothie out of that squirrel!

and thus he found his single source of joy in the society of other people: frightening the girls with his penis.

That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information. Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system?

Minty now held his arms out to his sides, angry Jesus style, suffer all the bitch-ass motherf*ckers need an ass-whoopin' unto me, for I shall rain wrath down upon them -- that look.

What do you want? Spain Fuck!